Tomorrow we go to Duke for the first time to see a pediatric gastroenterologist to hopefully start getting some answers. I have been waiting for this appointment for forever it feels like. I am sooo ready to have some sort of answers as to why Lily is continuing to vomit so frequently. After another vomiting episode last night that woke her from sleeping, Greg and I sat down and just felt so sorry for her. After so many of her vomiting episodes we are just angry and frustrated and just so over it all that I think we forget how awful this must be for her and her little body. I mean last night she had been asleep for almost two hours and woke up wining and moaning and within a couple of minutes vomited up everything still in her tummy and right away she was feeling much better and went back to sleep. How awful she must have felt to be woken up by that...
So in the midst of me anxiously awaiting this appointment, God has been teaching or at least trying to teach me that I am putting too much expectations on people to meet my needs instead of simply relying on Him. He alone knows my every need better than I do and yet I am putting so much faith in this doctor that I haven't even met and hoping and almost begging that he will give me answers when God has been with us and with Lily from her tiny beginning and is and has done amazing things with her.
Our past two sermons have really hit home with me and I felt like God was staring me in the face trying to get my attention each Sunday. Two weeks ago is was from Mark 8:1-21 and it was about ten lies that Satan wants us to believe. Several of them I realized I have been believing. One was that Jesus doesn't care. In my most frustrating moments and darkest places I almost start to believe that. I think where is God, why isn't He answering my prayers and healing Lily of this one last issue. Which brings me to the next lie that Satan wants us to believe is that Jesus is just one miracle after another. God didn't want us to be in love with the gifts He is giving us but be in love with the Giver. I think we saw Him heal Lily in the Nicu time and time again and I just felt like he should do it again when I want it. But I am realizing and learning through our sermons that He doesn't instantly heal because He wants us to dwell in Him and not wander. Instead of me putting so much hope in a doctor or in different therapies etc, I need to go back to the One who is hope and who so graciously and lovingly never leaves me even when I try to leave Him and whose Word is full of all wisdom and direction that I will ever need. To hear the full sermons click here. The sermons I am referring to are from 8/22 and 8/29.
So what I am trying to say is that I know God is with Lily even in her sickest moments and even in my most frustrating moments. I know that the same God that has healed and grown my tiny 1lb. 6oz. baby girl will continue to do so. I know that even though He has healed her/us in the past our lives aren't free from suffering and aren't' going to be perfect. He heals us in a way that we have to stay with Him and if we abide in Him and keep coming back for "His touch" Jesus will finish what He started.
Please pray for tomorrow that the doctors will have compassion for Lily's quality of life and will have full understanding to the depth of her problems. Pray also that even if we don't get any answers or hope for answers that I will continue to trust The Healer and know that He is in control and will heal her in His timing.
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