Needing to vent...

Thanks for your support, encouragement and prayers for us lately. I am so desperate for them right now. Lily had a much better start to the day and I was hopeful that maybe we were starting to turn the corner, but that hope was shattered when she threw up all of her dinner while she was still in her chair. no warning signs, no apparent reason, and she hadn't even eaten that much. Then before bed she threw up her whole bottle. ARGH.... I am so frustrated and feel so helpless i just don't even know what to do any more but cry or scream or something in between.

I am just so scared that we might be missing something or that something i am doing, giving her is making her worse. I am keeping a detailed journal of everything she eats, drinks, etc... and can't find any connections so far. I think what is eating me up is that in the back of my mind I am doubting. Something that I really have never admitted is that way back in my mind I'm just waiting for something bad to happen with her. I feel like since she didn't have any of the major issues that she should have had as a micro preemie that something is going to come up later. And I hate that I even think that. That I am even allowing myself to doubt that our amazing gracious God that healed Lily's tiny 1lb 6oz. body would not continue to heal her now. The thing that I told everyone that asked me how we made it through those tough 4 months in the NICU is that I never doubted. I never once doubted that God was going to heal and grow our precious baby girl and I never doubted that I would bring her home with me. And i feel like now I am doubting by not being able to let go of this and trust that God is in control. It exposes my weakened faith and makes me even more frustrated and reveals my so real and sinful human nature.

I know this may not seem like such a big deal to many of you. What's the big deal with a little vomit? But it is such a physical problem. Every time she vomits it is physical. the disgusting mess I have to clean up. Seeing the distress on her face and watching her cry each time. Washing clothes, sheets, car seat covers, towels, etc... every day lately is a physical reminder of the problem. And now there is no doubt that it is effecting her weight. Which lets be honest, has totally consumed me from the beginning. I have had enough. I actually had enough 4 months ago. But with each new week there would be a little glimmer of hope if we went a few days without being sick and then it would start all over again.

Sorry to vent but this was my therapy when she was in the hospital and I just had to get it out. I know poor Greg who is traveling every week this month is exhausted listening to me and worried himself. I just needed to get this out. I am praying that God would help me get through my unbelief and help me to be patient once again in Him. And that I would daily be reminded of the undeserving mercy and grace that He has already shown me.

Please pray for my patience, for energy, for knowledge to know when to notify the doctors, for strength to be a good mommy to not only Lily but also to Thomas. This is definitely effecting the amount of time I am spending with him as well. pray that she will get better and be able to keep food and liquid down and that somehow she will at least maintain her weight. I also pray that like before in the end this will just be another tool for me to witness to others how good and loving our God really is. I pray for all of you and pray that God meets your needs as well and blesses each of you beyond how you have blessed me.