Saturday, April 17, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Ok, bare with me...I have had so many thoughts flowing through my head lately and just feel compelled to share. I really have been moved to tears so frequently lately and so randomly. Or at least what I call random. I know nothing is really random but ordained by God. For example I will just be driving and be listening to a song that I have heard a thousand times before and suddenly I am hearing it in a new way and am in tears. One of the songs that this happened with is the the song, "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. And I know this has probably been overplayed, over used, etc.. but listening to it last week, I heard it completely different. For the first time I really pictured myself in front of God asking the questions in the lyrics.
"Surrounded by your Glory, what will my heart feel.
Will I dance for you Jesus, or in honor of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all, I can only Imagine."
I immediately just started crying picturing myself with my Creator and thinking how could I ever thank Him enough for the blessings in my life. Lily was the only one in the car with me so of course I just thought back to her past 18 months and how I could ever go before God and put into words what he did for me by healing her and growing her so perfectly when all odds were against her. I believe completely that all children are a gift. All are custom made by God and unique in their own way. But there is something about being with Lily, watching her walk and run, looking into her amazing blue eyes when she is making a funny face, seeing her interact with her big brother, and just realizing that if it weren't for our gracious God, she would not be here. Period.
And while thinking about this I am feeling the weight of my own sin so much. Wondering why am I not just on my knees praising Him constantly. Why am I not racing every morning to get into my Bible to find out more about this amazing God who has been so gracious to me. I don't really know the answer other than I am human and crave humanly desires. I don't even know why all of this is coming out now. I just feel God is working in me and trying to teach me or tell me something. I can only hope and pray that I will have ears to listen and that I will be obedient to follow. Which is partly why I am sharing this. I should be doing other things while my house is actually quiet for a moment but just felt compelled to share.
Many people have said I should write a book about my experience with Lily. While I am flattered by that, I am by no means a writer. I simply write what i feel. However I often think I just wish my brain were a type writer. I wish I could just push the print button and all the thoughts in my head would just print out. It is always when I am in the car or in the middle of something that I feel God speaking to me or reminding me of moments that I should put into words but I usually don't have the time or make the time to do it. We started this blog to inform you about Lily's progress, but it quickly became my way to release all that I was feeling emotionally, spiritually, and physically and was my stress relief.
So maybe I'm writing this to myself to say enough with the words and good thoughts. Put them into action. Get into the Word more, pray more, be more bold in my everyday life and routine. And simply stop putting limits on what God can do with and through me. Who knows? But I do know that NOTHING is impossible with God. Whatever you are experiencing when you read this, I pray that you know the peace, joy, and unconditional love that only comes from knowing Jesus. And that with Him you can get through anything that comes your way.
Have a great day!